The age of porn

“They say that most of the activity on the web is porn,” he said. “Did you know that?”

“It’s to be expected,” I said.

“How so?”

“Look at all the roads we have. No wonder traffic is congested. The more roads the more people will be encouraged to use them, even if it means taking five hours to go 150 miles.

“It’s the same with porn. There are all these porn sites, all our devices and twenty-four hours of accessibility seven days a week. Since sex is mysterious nobody should be surprised that so many people watch so much porn and are as addicted to it as they are to their cars.

“Internet porn gives people a sense of freedom, just like cars do.”

“And they can watch it in their cars during a traffic jam,” he laughed.

“Maybe that’s why more and more cars have tinted windows,” I said. “You seem to be worried about porn. Tell me.”

“Don”t people have anything better to do?” he asked. “I can see it if you are young and once in a while you and your friends get drunk and watch a porn movie. Or if you are married and once a week you and your wife watch a film and do the weird stuff they did in the movie. But it does worry me that there is an epidemic of it in our country.”

“It worries me too,” I said. “But more because people lack imagination than because they are immoral. The easy access to it makes it natural that a man who can’t get pussy, a guy who lost his job and cannot afford to go out and a married man in an unhappy marriage watch a lot of porn.

“In this age of instant communication nobody seems to know how to communicate. The guy who can’t get laid is not taking advantage of all the free sites there are to teach you how to improve your skill with women. The man with no money at least has an excuse because he cannot afford to go out with a real woman.

“The married guys though, that is what bothers me. It is easier to turn on porn than to talk things over with your wife or to try to make changes to yourself that well get your wife interested in you again.

“It probably never crossed the mind of a married porn addict to say to his wife, Honey. Let’s watch a porn flick to see if we can get our spark back.”

“I don’t know,” he said as he furrowed his brow.

“I don’t know either,” I said. “It might not work. His wife might scream at him. Or she might not have the courage to accept his invitation or to admit that she is part of the problem. But it is a daring, if not a courageous thing for the husband to say. He is making an effort.

“These are lonely times,” I said. “Many people are afraid of taking chances. Porn is safe. There are a lot of categories of sex to choose from. You move from one topic to another feeling you are free, that you have freedom of choice, that you are always high, that all these women you can’t sleep with are yours, especially the sexy ones in their late twenties and thirties.

“It’s exasperating. You know you have a problem but you like the problem. It’s what you live for but you don’t realize you should be sleeping with a real woman and spending hours with a real woman or going on dates with a lot of different real women.”

“You don’t realize you are a coward,” he said.

“You are right on,” I said. “It doesn’t cross peoples minds like the married guy who admitted to his wife I/we have a problem.

“The cowardice you talk about is part of being a contemporary male. Few men want to have kids or get married. Men are unemployed or under-employed. Men feel overwhelmed by the world they feel they have no future in, so it makes a lot of sense that so many men watch porn.

“The desire for sex will never go away. It will be acted upon through masturbation, porn, going to a prostitue, being promiscous or having a woman.

“In some of the porn videos the actress will snicker to her viewers, You’re going to jack off watching me.

“The reason I mention that is because one guy told me that he would watch porn naked for an hour, challenging himself not to slam the ham. He waited until he went to bed that night or did it in the morning.”

“And that’s good?” he said.

“That’s great,” I said. “He doesn’t have a real woman to practice foreplay with but he knows it’s important to have restraint. When he finally has the courage to date he will at least have a sense of drama and what to do with a woman.

“Let me digress a minute. The woman who makes fun of her viewers for jacking off to her video has the contempt for men common in the sex trade.

“A lot of men who go to prostitutes and watch porn look at those women as sluts. But the contempt these males have for sex working women is not as great as the contempt sex workers have for their male viewers and clients: What’s wrong with these turkeys? Can’t they get a real woman? So many of these guys have the money to attract a real women but they don’t have the balls. That’s a great description of us men.

“We don’t have the balls. We aren’t much of anything. We’re little men.

“It’s funny,” I continued, “that as the media tries to destigmatize sex workers and to show that porn actresses and hookers are real people with children and close families, there is no compassion for the lost and lonely men who have no kids or friends and are not close to their families.”

“It’s also funny,” he said, “that all these screwed up men with no kids or friends watch sex movies without love and with no children longed for or in the picture.”

“You’re right,” I said. “The age of porn is the age of no kids. The more porn the fewer kids people have.”

“Or maybe it’s the other way around,” he said.

“That makes more sense. You got me thinking about the amount of rectal intercourse in porn. There was not rectal intercourse in porn when I grew up. People are terrified to have kids and so afraid of love and the future that they revel in having sex with the hole that emits deadness rather than the hole that oozes life. They are metaphorically speaking hammering it home that kids are not important and that having kids is not the purpose of sex.

“The glorification of rectal intercourse was a logical next step in the industry and the logical next step in a nation that does not want to have kids – that is terrified to love. With rectal intercourse you do not look into your partners’ eyes.”

He went silent.

“I want to talk more about the industry and relationships.”

“Ok.”

“It is astounding that there are so many pretty women in porn. Men think how can such a pretty woman be a slut. Well how can such a handsome man be a porn addict? What you look like has nothing to do with your sex drive or hang ups.

“Some of the women in porn got into it as a new challenge. Some of them have great skill in computers or constuction. Some of them have always been hams so porn was a logical next step. Others want to try everything under the sun so they go to the STD-free porn industry rather than be picked up by a hundred strangers.

“And people in porn really enjoy working with some of their colleagues. I don’t think porn addicts make friends with anybody.

“Imagine a psychologist talking to his porn addict client. He would never call him a little man. The psychologist would give his patient a six month challenge. At the end of six months I want you to be going out to dinner twice a month with a gentlman friend. I want you to approach the best looking women at the bar, dance, party even if you are terrified to do it. You still might not get any and you still will probably not have a lot of pride, but at least you will be doing what you are supposed to be doing.”

“But how will he get to the psychologist?” he said.

“If he’s married because of his wife. If he’s single maybe because he realizes it isn’t his immorality but all the time that he wastes watching porn. You’re right. Most single guys won’t see a psychologist to heal their porn addiction.

“But some men’s fear of women is not because of having no money or of having psychological hang-ups. It’s political.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was reading,” I said, “that a lot of young men go to Tijuana to hire hookers because they fear that a woman they date here will accuse them of harassment or a sex crime.”

“And going to hookers in TJ is a good thing?”

“If a man never had a problem approaching women and if he likes to have sex, I think it is. His fear of false accusations is understandable. I’d rather see these guys retain a human connection than give up and watch porn.”

“You are way out there,” he said.

“That may be,” I said. “I am full of wonder and curiosity. We Americans are not full of wonder and curiosity.

“We’ve given up. Porn makes us feel we are alive. But really we are cowardly, unimaginative and dead.”

Copyright © 2025 by David Vaszko

The Lovers

“Do you like movies?” he asked.

“No,” I said.

He looked at me.

“I used to,” I said.

“Which ones?”

“Westerns.”

“What did you like about them?”

“The vastness,” I said. “I loved the shots of the prairie, of the movie opening or ending with a horizon. I loved seeing a guy riding alone through the beautiful emptiness.”

“Why did you stop watching?”

“They lost their magic. They lost their sense of purpose, of America evolving, of the necessity of good being better than evil and of the good guys winning most of the time. They got too bloody too.”

“A lot of people think blood in films made the westerns more realistic,” he said. “They say movies up until then had pretty much been works of fantasy.”

“I remember,” I said. “I was a kid when The Wild Bunch came out. I loved the blood gushing from the throats. I can see where kids like bloody movies. They have fun talking tough after.

“Being a kid, I thought movies should show the blood in murders and killings. I accepted the arguments of people in the arts and of intellectuals. Those guys said what you say they said.”

“Obviously you disagree.”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because they were not being honest and they were not being thoughtful. Why did things need to be graphic? They should have known that once killings appear just like in real life, the focus goes away from good versus evil, the good guy against the bad guy and the vision of a hero. Nobody wants to be a hero when he sees how bloody the heroism of soldiers and police and noble citizens can be.”

“Go on.”

“The gore appeals to the worst of us. It makes us aware of the destruction we can wreck on somebody. So rather than dreaming of being a hero and of having heroes who defeat the bad guys and are never corrupted, we lust to destroy, even if we don’t act on it. The idea that America produces heroes and is a place where good defeats evil is considered ridiculous or dangerous.”

“You mentioned they weren’t thoughtful.”

“Yes,” I said. “Because of the civil rights movement and our failure in Vietnam, people questioned the goodness of America. They no longer believed in the grand vision of westerns. They did not trust the overwhelming symphonies, their inspiration to rise above our contented selves.”

“They would say they rose above their contented selves by taking a risk participating in the civil rights movement,” he said. “They would also say they opposed evil by protesting the Vietnam War.”

“But they stopped believing in America at the same time they were trying to get equal rights for everybody.

“Their vision about a just and peaceful America was sabotaged by their insistence that grand vision, heroism and good will overcoming evil is a deception that must not be created or encouraged by artists or idealists.”

“Isn’t what you are suggesting an unattainable ideal?”

“Yes, but if a society does not believe in it the society degenerates. We have degenerated. If individuals do not believe in it, individuals degenerate.

“The people I am talking about criticize Americans as conformists. The best way not to be a conformist is to have unattainable ideals.

“The guys who wrote and directed westerns were in a lucarative and competitive profession. They knew the good guys don’t always win, that there are unemployed actors who should have made it but didn’t.

“However jaded they may have been, it didn”t stop them from making movies with a good message, especially for people under 25.”

“Why 25?”

“Because.” I said, ”Everyone knows or should know, that ten year olds need good examples. But it is important for 17-25 year olds to be provided with good examples too. Those are the years you start to get smart. Those are the years you start to get jaded. They need to be shown heroes and told that good is better than evil, that the good guys win.

“Suppose in 1960 -1964 a 23 year old had been living the non-conformist’s life in Nortrh Beach. Well, his father comes to town to check on his wayward son. Dad says, “Let’s see The Magnificent 7.” The son says, ‘Oh dad, that stuff’s corny. Why don’t we go hear jazz?’ ‘Because it starts tooo late!’

“So they see the movie. At the end when three of the good guys are leaving town, the youngest and least worldly turns back to marry the young lady he fell in love with as he and the other good guys defended the town from bandits.

“He wanted to love, have a family, have a community, even though he knew the town might be held up again, his child kidnapped, his wife raped. As they watch the young guy ride back, one of the two good guys turns to the other. ‘We won.’ The other guy says, ‘No we lost. We always lose.’

“That’s profound. the good guys will always win the battle, but evil will never go away because the good guys can’t be everywhere.

“They are not happy, but they’re free. Between their constant risk of death and their endless days in the desert, they are aware of the unattainable idea but shoot for it.”

“What do you mean when you say that unattainable ideals prevent people from being a conformist?”

“If you really believe in liberty, freedom, justice, equality under law, truth, the power of love, the importance of goodness, it isn’t a fashion statement like multi-culturalism is. I think of multi-culturalists as conformists. They are not heroic.

“I don’t expect everybody to be a Martin Luther King, but he at least attained true freedom for himself. He had faith that America is good, that with perseverance and faith America could fulfill its promise.”

“That was the age of westerns,” he said.

“Yes,” I said. “The people who supported him believed in America. They knew they might lose, but they knew they owed it to themselves, their kids and the slaves to fight. There cannot be a Dr. King today because people are cynical. They don’t believe in the goodness or fairness of America. They don’t believe in Christianity. They conform to the worst expectations and ideals of our country. If there was a Dr. King today, he would be laughed at by the poeple who need him most.”

“Are you finished?” he asked.

“No. I find it interesting the Black Power movement started about the time westerns lost their drama and focused on sensationalism. I remember reading one of King’s speeches. He said if we stop having high standards for ourselves, then resort to violence, we will lose.

“He was referring to black people, but the message applied to the country as a whole. If you don’t believe me substitute sex or profanity for violence. Our movies are all about sex, profanity and violence.”

“You mean we are losing,” he said.

We paused.

“I’m still trying to answer your question,” I said. “I realize there are unattainable goals that people latch on to so they do not have to face reality. In that sense they are conformists.”

“Or non-conformists in the worst sense,” he said.

“Yes, but what I am talking about is conviction. People who believe in freedom are accepting high ideals. People who fight for freedom walk their talk. People who think everyone is free to be violent, profane and promiscuous corrupt freedom.”

“They have attainable goals and they fight for them,” he said. “They probably would not consider themselves conformists.”

“They probably would say they do not corrupt freedom either,” I said. “They would probably say there is nothing evil about constant profanity or cheap sex in movies.

“I want to get back to Martin Luther King.”

“Ok,” he said.

“I said that there could not be a man of his stature today because Americans are too cynical and afraid to accept a great man. One of the profound things about King is his naivete. I could see him watching The Magnificent 7 and being inspired by the good guys in their willingness to risk their life for strangers. When the cameras showed the panorama, King probably thought of Jesus in the desert, spread eagled on a rock looking to the sky, asking God for strength and guidance so he does the right thing.

“When the young guy returns to town, King probably cried knowing the strain he puts on his family, knowing that what he wants more than anything is to walk around town holding hands with his wife and patting his kids on the head without worrying about bandits. When Steve McQueen and Yul Brynner ride off for the next battle, King probably knew their loneliness, but because he was doing the Lord’s work in the worlds fairest and freest country, he knew he was winning and could never lose.”

“Dr. King may have been innocent as a dove,” he said, “but he was wise as a serpent too.”

“I agree,” I said. “There is a wisdom to his naivete. Serving God by bringing out the best in you and having faith that an elusive goal will be achieved by hard work is the kind of attitude that our country had until the middle and late sixties. It is the attitude that makes nations superior because it’s a winning attitude.

“The people who pushed for graphic violence and sex and free flowing profanity thought they were and are worldly. They are not wise, they are misguided. They are not naive as in innocent, but foolish as in arrogant.”

“You know King was influenced by Ghandi?” he said.

“Yes,” I said.

“One of the things Ghandi believed,” he said, “was that evil and good are not opposite of each other but can easily be exchanged for each other. They depend on one another.”

“I agree,” I said. “In a way, that’s what I have been saying. When Hollywood got rid of the ideals that the good guys win and that good is better than evil, they were trying to be hoest and good by showing how violent life in the wild west really was. But the focus was not on a hero being honest and good so movie watchers would be challenged to be honest and good helping somebody in a jam. The focus came to be on sincere and disciplined violent people who set a horrible example for spirituallly undisciplined movie goers to rally their angry selves around and to celebrate their cynical attitude.”

“How angry do you think America is?” he said.

“Very angry. It’s un-American to have anger as one of our defining emotions and characteristics. There is not a goodness underlying our anger like there was maturity underlying the anger of the civil rights movement until King died.

“It makes sense that a country so obsessed with showing the worst of realities turned out to be an angry nation. If movie makers show profanity as acceptable, then people will swear more and argue more and make each other angry while everyone demands to be respected.

“That’s what was great about the westerns. Guys earned each other’s respect. I don’t mean the respect of courtesy we should give each other as far as saying please and thank you, but being able to rise to the occasion to make up for past cowardice or to prove to the bandits or lawmen that you, a clerk at the hardware store or you a farmer will and can fight for freedom and your family or a woman.”

“You are saying we do not respect each other like we did,” he said.

“Yes. We lust for blood but not the truth. In the old movies good guys loved truth and stuck up for the weak. There was not graphic violence in their struggle. The desire for truth was graphic. Now we seek to destroy each other, so the violence is what is graphic.”

“Do you think the violence has anything to do with changing ideals of manhood?” he asked.

“I’m glad you mentioned it,” I said. “I have noticed that as men have become more wimpy in life and that as there is no constructive role for men in society and less power for men with children, movies have become increasingly violent, profane and disgusting.”

“What you are saying is in the fifties when men were confident and had a constructive role in society, men in movies were only violent when protecting the weak and sticking up for the truth. Their occasional violence exemplified their strength. You are saying that the violence in the movies today exemplifies men’s weakness.”

“Yes,” I said.

“How do we make men strong again? How do we create this constructive masculinity you say we need? How do we get movie makers to stop making violent movies?”

“Well,” I said. “When men feel confident we will stop watching gruesome movies. When there is a noble role for men in society, movie makers won’t create movies glorifying the worst of masculinity.

“I think men can be made strong again when society backs up its demand for strong men by giving men the dominant role in the family and by repealing laws that make it easy for a man to be arrested and convicted for rape and child abuse.

“Men would then stop being violent out of weakness. Men would have the restraint not to be violent unless his family was being attacked. A man would wonder what he would do if, that’s what these old movies spoke to.”

“At the beginning of our talk you discusssed vastness,” he said. “Do you think there is a vast hole in the psyche of America that could be repaired if Hollywood took on the need for honesty, integrity and restraint in movies?”

“Our vast emptiness and meaninglessness won’t be reparied unless we find new roles for men. But even that won’t be enough. We’d have to change our religion. We’d have to cut back our consumption of a lot of things we do not need.

“One of the things that made westerns great was that owning property was the dominant goal of Americans. People wanted to be safe in their new home. The vast prairie shots symbolized the vast past, the long trip, the precarious present and the glorious future.

“I’d love to see a movie maker try to bring back lust for truth, a sense of restaint, faith in the future. But now people live in cities and want to get rich. A vast landscape would be hard to pull off.”

“But could it be done?” he said.

“Yes,” I said.

“How?”

“The vastness would have to be a shot down an urban rail line with the ocean or the mountains in the background. There would be frequent views up a skyscraper at different times of the day and with different weather. The viewer would get a modern version of vastness, emptiness, isolation, peace, dreaminess, hope and regret.”

“What would a plot be? How would you make a role heroic?”

“I’ll do what I can,” I said.

“Go ahead,” he said.

“Are you ready?”

“Yes.”

“It would begin with a guy practicing karate in front of a huge wall with the bold and magnificent graffiti of the eighties and early nineties. Rap would be playing. As the viewer gets more amped hearing the music, the karate guy becomes more intense. His movements more lethal.

“When the song ends the guy will stop. He’ll walk for blocks along the walls of graffiti. Sometimes when it gets too much too bear he will touch it, step back and look at the whole thing.

“His car is parked across the street from a skyscraper. As he looks up while he gets into the car, the slide guitar of Elmore James begins, as relentless and passionate as the karate guy and the graffiti.

“As he drives back to the office there are perfectly clear shots of the sky, alternating with the calm power of the karate guy’s face and the picture of a woman on his dashboard.

“When the guitar riff ends, he’s parking his car. He gets out and walks confidently into his building. He goes downstairs to the locker room, changes clothes, then emerges from an elevator dressed to kill and walks to his office.

“The next scene will be like a typical movie, the men saying hi man, the women raising their voices and saying oh hi so-and-so. Everybody likes him and respects him.

“When he gets to his office he sits in a chair with his feet on the desk looking out the window and up through the skyscrapers to the sky. He’s on the telephone wheeling and dealing, aggressive and fair the way the good guys in the westerns were.

“The camera focuses on his clothes, his great sense of color as the viewers hear him bargain and gather information and show how well-informed he is. Every once in a while there’s a flashback to the wall of graffiti – how bright and aggressive and well-disciplined it is.

“After his bout on the phone there’s a meeting. But first he calls the woman whose picture is in his car, but not in his office. We can’t hear the conversation because the music is playing. She’s beautiful and it’s rap.

“Should I keep going?”

“Yes.”

“The camera stays long on each of their faces as the rapper raps about what a great fighter he is. It’s hard to tell what they are talking about because there is neither laughter nor anger.

“Then there’s the glance up to the sky. The guy walks to the window and presses his face against it and looks as high as he can.

“Now the scene changes and he enters a room where a meeting will begin. He sits next to another important person as staff talks about sports and what they’re going to do on the weekend. Everyone’s laughing then he says, ‘Let’s get started.’

“He leads a great meeting. He knows how to delegate. There’s no humor, but everyone is jazzed.

“‘All of you are doing a good job,’ he says. ‘I apppreciate the trust we have in each other. Let’s continue to work hard and increase our success and mutual respect.’

“Then the Elmore James music starts again in all its rocky bluesy passion. The camera shows the karate guy interacting with the other executives, participating in conference calls, talking with his subordinates without interrupting them when they speak.

“He’s jazzed about himself, about his job, about being a leader.

“Now it’s the end of the day and he’s one of the last persons out. He practices a few karate moves. He looks up to the top of the skyscraper as dusk is settling in and the city’s lights come on.

“Next he’s driving home listening to someone on a talk show complaining about graffiti. It’s vandalism you know. Don’t the kids have anything better to do?

“The face of the karate guy is motionless. Then the host of the talk show says to the caller, well no, they really don’t have anything better to do.

“In the next scene he’s arriving home walking into a fancy apartment where the woman is. As usual she’s beautiful.

“She’s just got home too. His eyes flash and he walks with his killer confidence to her. After they peck they look at each other and peck again.

“Obviously they don’t have kids. But you feel they should. Two powerful persons who know how to love somebody besides themselves.

“They banter while they cook. Nice jazz plays, enhancing their rapport.

“They sit at dinner. The camera has a vivid shot of her same great sense of color. Her lipstick is exquisite. When she start to talk you cannot contain yourself.

“‘We’re a few years from the peak of our power,’ she says. He does not say anything. ‘Are you excited?’ He says yes. The scene flashes back to him practicing karate at the graffiti wall, then listening to the radio show about the graffiti kids who do not have anything better to do.

“‘I want to help kids.’

“‘How?’

“‘I will teach them karate. Not charge them. I can find a church or school that will allow me to use their space as long as I don’t charge the kids.’

“Jazz plays again as the next few scenes show them talking intimately and laughing. It’s a leisurely dinner. Isn’t it funny how so many great people are not in a hurry?

“Then they turn out the lights in the kitchen and dining room. The next scene is dark too. You hear them talking and think they’re in bed. Then you see them standing at the window in their bedroom looking out on the city that exhilarates them.

“It’s morning now. He’s driving to work on a cloudy day. He is really relaxed. A few days have passed.

“The next scene show him sitting in an office with some people who are at least as important as him. They are board members.

“He says, ‘I want to thank you gentlemen for listening to my proposal. What do you think?’

“‘We can allow you to use space in the basement as long as you do not charge. We think it will be good for the kids and good for the company. We need to expand our presence in the community. Do you think there will be interest on the kids’ part?’

“‘I hope so,’ he smiles. ‘I’m shooting to begin in six weeks’

“They shake hands. He returns to his office. He loosens his tie. The Elmore James music powerhouses back on as he drinks some ice water, walks to the window and watches rain hit it. He has a huge grin.

“Keep going?” I said.

“Yes.”

“He has his work cut out for him. There are a bunch of short scenes showing him walking into offices and talking with people on the phone or in person. He is very focused and relaxed. He looks beautiful walking gracefully.

“One day you know it must be a Saturday because he’s wearing jeans and a windbreaker. But even then he’s beautiful and still looks like an executive.

“He buys a sandwich at a funky deli with all these beautiful women waiting too.

“Then he walks to a park, puts a newspaper on the lawn and sits on it as he looks around with the bag next to him.

“An Aaron Copland symphony starts. The scenes are really long and the music is beautiful. He looks at the city’s skyline, the grand old buildings constructed when Copland and America were rising. He watches clouds behind the buildings.

“When the camera shows him reaching into the bag for lunch the viewer notices that a shadow has moved into where he is sitting.

“The next scene he and his wife talk. He says he will start with the kids soon.

“They speak with their voices muted. Mostly he listens. They look intently into each other, then she walks into her world and he stands in his with stupendous confidence.

“Now he’s at work with Elmore James’ slide screeching. All the honchos are at a meeting. The board members from the permission scene are there with several people as important as them. Something’s up cuz no one’s smiling.

“A stiff guy impeccably dressed tells the executives, ‘Each department head will break the news to the staff under you. This will be done Friday.

“‘Pay checks and a week’s severance pay are in a folder I will give you. There is a note attached to the check of the few we plan to invite back when profits go up to an acceptable level.

“‘Tell them you are receiving a decrease in pay. It is important for our image that upper management suffers in this.’

“When the new scene comes it is quiet. You see the face of the persons getting fired. It is a long long shot. Then you see the face of the karate guy. It’s a long shot too.

“‘Steve I have a family,’ a man says. ‘Things haven’t been going well for us. My wife might divorce me. I’m thinking of my kids.’

“‘I know you are Frank. I’ve seen their pictures at your desk. They are cute kids.

“‘You are a good man. Nobody told me you and your wife are having problems. I am sorry.’

“They look at each other an uncomfortable moment. ‘I appreciate everything you have done for me and for the company. I will write you a letter of recommendation if you like. I am happy to do that for you.’

“Frank just sits there. He’s almost crying. ‘I can’t believe it.’

“Steve stands gracefully and powerfully, letting Frank know he needs to leave.

“Now rap pulses in the background – very abrasive. Steve stands in his office with blinds covering the window he usually looks out of. He goes over, locks his door. He takes his shoes, tie and shirt off.

“Furiously he unleashes karatre moves. You can imagine somone’s head being annihilated and legs being crushed.

“But he still hasn’t unwound.

“It’s after work and there’s an hour or more of light left. He’s getting out of his car.

“He walks to the graffiti walls where the movie began. He’s looking intently at it as he moves. There’s no music. You hear traffic and the sound of his shoes.

“Then Aaron Copland’s music returns as he stands gazing. The camera gradually fades, showing the big gray city with this large spec of brightness and fluidity and primitive humanity.

“All of a sudden there’s a shot of Steve with scary graffiti behind him. He has a suspicious look on his face.

“It’s the police. They pull up, then get out. They are surprised to see someone respectable and poweful.

“‘Everything okay?’ asks one of the officers.

“‘Everything’s fine,’ Steve says. ‘It’s been a long day. I’m stepping out of the box.’

“The cops laugh. ‘There’s not much daylight left.’ One of them points towards the graffiti. ‘It can get dangerous around here.’

“‘I’ll be okay,’ Steve says.

“‘We can’t tell you where to walk,’ the cop says. ‘Be careful. It’s our responsibility to tell you that. These guys think this stuff is art.’

“Steve looks at the cops. They look at him. Each cop says have a nice evening. Steve thanks them for their concern.

“He keeps walking and looking, but there’s no music, no sound. You see a construction crane with a demolition ball in the background.

“Steve stops at the most terrifying and fluid mural. It’s nothing but a challenge like great art is. A shift-change horn blasts and you see belches of smoke from a roof.

“He was too upset from the layoffs to change clothes. He takes off his sport coat with his folded tie poking out of the pocket, then hangs the jacket on a steel fence.

“Rap plays. You can’t make out the words. Steve’s looking a long long time at the mural.

“It’s almost dusk. A dim light bulb on the abandoned warehouse comes on.

“The music gets louder. You hear boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy. Then a song begins:

  They create this art so we will see
  You gotta be a man or you ain’t free
  There’s all this shade
  We don’t have it made
  Live your truth or you don’t deserve to be laid.

  Powwee! Powwee! Freedumb! Tense!
  A life in suspense
  With unemployed men
  Maybe the pen
  Again and again.

  We try to speak
  But we feel like freaks
  Really we’re meek
  We practice deciet
  Singing it loud
  We’re ashamed to be proud.

  Keep it brief
  Really believe
  You can brighten y’all
  Like these great walls
  That challenge your balls.

  Suck up the pride
  Look in the eye
  Feel pain inside
  As you long for a wife
  For the rest of your life.

  Push push push for a job job job
  Push real hard
  Play all of your cards
  Be the powwee
  That shows the world you’re free
  It takes integrity to move from crazily.

  Be the one of her dreams
  Who never complains
  To who the kids can look up
  Because of your love
  Not no frightened mouse
  But the man in the house.

“Okay?” I said.

“I think so,” he said.

“The next scene shows graffiti guys watching Steve. They’re hidden behind old box cars that have been painted over a million times. They’re as fascinated by him as he is by their art.

“‘He loves it,’ one guy says.

“‘Wait ’till we tell so-and-so,’ another guy says. ‘He put a lot into it. He’ll be surprised somebody this guy’s age likes it.’

“Steve starts to warm up. It’s dark and the scary mural is lit by the dim light.

“‘Holy shhh!’

“‘Goddamn!’

“‘Dude can go.’

“One guy takes out binoculars. They pass them around.

“Steve is in a frenzy, even more than at the beginning.The binoculars zero in on Steve’s face.

“Then the camera fades and you watch Steve doing his killer art in the dim light. It’s fascinating.

“When he stops there’s the end of an Elmore James riff, that great twang of the slide. Steve’s sweating as the camera zooms to his face, then backs off to show his nice clothes.

“‘Dude’s got money.’

“The camera returns to Steve’s face. He turns to look at the killer mural. The voice from the radio show comes on, ‘Don’t the kids have anything better to do?’

“Now Steve gets home. His wife is there. She hasn’t had a good day. They look at each other without pecking. Their great clothes make their unhappiness worse.

“Steve says, ‘Let’s get some air.’ So they go downstairs and into the night. Everyone is alive except them.

“As they walk, there’s a flashback without sound of Steve laying off Frank – the anguish in Frank’s face. Then you see the kind of day she had. You hear the words as one of her big clients dumps her.

“They walk in silence. They pass a group laughingly heartily, then pass a couple dressed plainly having an engaging conversation.

“Steve takes everything in. She’s in a daze. He reaches for her hand. She takes it. He says, ‘We haven’t felt like this in a long time.’ She nods.

“Steve guides them into a dark restaurant, a good one without too many people and little booths tucked away. They sit at right angles to each other, as tucked away as they can get.

“The waiter knows something isn’t right. He hands them a wine list saying he will let them relax for a few minutes.

“There’s a painting of a tortured tree across from them. It’s beautiful. She looks. ‘That is how I feel. Twisted so tight I can scream.’

“‘I feel tortured too,’ he says. ‘I had to lay people off. What happened?’

“‘So-and-so dumped me.’

“Steve purses his lips. You know this isn’t good.

“The wine comes. She takes a gulp, then won’ t drink until they leave.

“She’s looking at Steve. You can hear background voices.

“She’s fighting tears but is too tough to cry. She starts talking about what happened after the camera showed her losing her client.

“‘They told me I charge too much. They said we don’t want to pay for your expensive office. I told them you wouldn’t say that to a man.

“‘I said you can take your business elsewhere. I offered to correct the situation because your company has been such an important client. Why can’t you agree to that?

“‘They said they have to cut corners because the economy is so bad. Their account was 25% of my business.’

“They look each other in the eye a long time then down each other’s face. This will require a good photographer.

“They lean back. Steve sips wine. She sighs and almost cries.

“‘I’m so pissed off. Things have been going so well.’

“She reaches for French bread. Steve watches the painting of the tree then looks around. He turns to her. ‘Keep going.’

“‘I’m good at what I do. It’s demanding. What do they think I’m a professional for – to live simply? What do they think business and our country are all about? Let’s eat.’

“Steve waves the waiter over. They barely look at the menu. Then the camera shows other people in the restaurant – the professionals, the old ladies, the solitary man reading the paper.

“Now the tree is shown again. It really is beautiful. Very muscular and sensual. Very human. Steve has a memory of himself as a bareback young karate competitor making beautiful twists with his gorgeous body.

“‘Are you worried?’ Steve asks.

“She says no. ‘It’s hard to take. It’s embarrassing.’ She looks at him. ‘I think of so many things I could have said.’

“Steve nods. He asks her how long she thinks it will take to build the business back. She says a year.

“They are relaxed but not smiling. Elmore James’ anguished voice and passionate guitar begin. The waiter moves in quickly, says a few words then leaves.

“They take their time like sophisticated people do. They lighten. She looks around a little now that she’s gotten everything out. ‘The painting is beautiful.’

“Steve remembers himself again as a young karate whiz. ‘It’s about to explode,’ he says. ‘The trick is how to make beauty out of your explosiveness.’

“The camera focuses on her face. Steve keeps talking. ‘There’s so much movement in that painting. Great painting should have a sense of motion.’ Her eyes light up.

“They are done. The painting is shown, then we see a guy looking intently at her. When she sees him he looks away. ‘Let’s go,’ she says.

“She takes a deep drink of wine. Steve looks at the painting. They walk majestically through the door to the street.

“It is a new scene. Steve’s standing in the basement of his company wearing his karate outfit. The shot’s a long one. Rap is blasting. There’s kids around dying to learn how to be lethal.

“The camara zooms in to Steve, impeccable. The music stops. Steve’s speaking.

“‘Welcome boys . My company is proud to have you here for what might be one of the great adventures of your life.

“‘Karate is a demanding sport. It can be a deadly sport. If you excel, the amount of power you have and feel will surprise you.

“‘It will take a long time before you are able to use karate to defend yourself and injure people on the street. Your wait will be worthwile. You will either win all of your fights, or be so confident you won’t want to waste your time acting tough and getting into dangerous situations.

“‘I will teach you to the best of my ability. Even if you do not become great at karate, if you practice a long time and put your heart and soul into the art, you will have better control over your body than other people have over theirs. You will also have so much confidence you should succeed in whatever job or career you pursue.’

“Steve starts in. He lines the boys up for exercises. Then he pairs them and shows them fundamental moves and explains the different parts of the body.

“He moves with the assuredness of the great athlete that he is. The boys are impressed.

“It is the end of the class and the boys leave, knowing this man is really something. Steve sits for a minute then accepts a compliment from the janitor: ‘Way to go Stevo!’

“‘Thanks,’ Steve laughs.

“Now he’s driving home in the dark, peaceful and concentrating. He looks at the photograph of his wife. A slow Elmore James number starts to play in the background.

“At home he hurries up the stairs into the apartment. His wife looks up from her purse and stuff on the dining room table.

“She’s smiling, so when she sees his passion she smiles even more. He bursts out, ‘It was great!’

“She pulls him to her and they smooch for a long long time. They really know how to kiss.

“You hope they go to bed because they are such a turn-on. But they don’t.

“They make dinner together, putting a taste of this and a taste of that in each others mouth. They’re laughing. She’s talking up a storm. ‘Then they signed the contract just before noon. After they left I told the ladies, ‘Lunch is on me.’

“‘We went to a great place. We hadn’t enjoyed ourselves that much in a long time.’

“They have a relaxing dinner. They talk about how lucky they are to be successful in jobs they love. Steve says, ‘Think what a strain it is on couples who don’t like their jobs but love each other. They have to make sure they don’t irritate one another complaining about work. They don’t have what we have.’

“They look at each other several seconds then the scene changes.

“Steve’s walking into work. Somebody says ‘Hi Steve. You look good. How’s Vicky?’

“‘She’s great!’

“‘How’s her business?’

“‘It seems to be going well.’

“The compliment jazzes Steve.

“Now the camera shows him confident and tough on the phone, inspiring staff at a meeting, at another meeting being respected by the rest of the bosses. At the end of the bosses meeting the guy who spoke about layoffs rises. He says, ‘Hire back or replace those we designated for rehire when business improves.’ Everyone is happy.

“In his office Steve sits in silence in his chair gazing out the window as he sips water. He’s watching the sunlight on the window and blinds, and on the walls too.

“He pictures Vicky then looks at the clock. It’s noon.

“Steve picks up the phone and arranges for lunch. He meets two men in the lobby then they walk down the hall with beautiful women everywhere.

“Word has gotten around to the lower level staff. Everybody is chatting and smiling. In the elevator someone makes a joke that everyone laughs at.

“Soon as the elevator opens the guitar of Elmore James screeches. Steve and his colleagues are shown laughing as they bustle through the lobby. On the street Steve glances up to the sky in the space between buildings.

“You can still hear the music a little as Steve and the guys talk as they walk. One of the men says he hopes so-and-so comes back.

“Then there’s a troubled look on Steve’s face. The music stops. The guys with Steve sense something is wrong. Then the camera shows Frank, the one Steve had to lay off, walking towards them.

“Frank looks like he’s working. But he isn’t happy. Steve says to his colleagues, “‘This is going to be awkward.’

“‘Steve, I know you don’t have much time for lunch. How’s it going?’

“‘It’s going well Frank. How are you?’

“‘Okay. I’m working at such-and-such. It’s all right. How are things looking at the company?’

“‘Things are still tight.’

“‘You know Steve, I’d really like to come back’

“‘It would be better if you tried to go somewhere else or do something else. How’s your kids?’

“‘They’re good. I’m still married. My wife and I worked things out.’

“‘That’s good. Frank we’ve got to go. I’m still happy to recommend you.’

“‘Sure. See you Steve.’

The three men walk again. One of them says, ‘Was he a good worker?’

“Steve says, ‘He was diligent.’ They start being enthusiastic again, then you see them smiling as they push their successful way into a restaurant through one of those revolving doors that keep the wind and weather out.

“The next scene has Steve walking, slow and graceful. It’s another day. Aaron Copland music plays as he moves, looking at his city and the expanses of sky between buildings.

“He parks on a bench to watch the world, observing faces – their ugliness, their distance, their stress.

“He pictures Vicky. Her beauty. Her passion. Her laugh. How terrible she looked the night she lost her client.

“He remembers telling Vicky how lucky they are. Then he remembers his two conversations with Frank.

“It starts to get windy so he stands, looking at sunlight in the glass of a skyscraper.

“Now Steve’s in a stairwell at work. His papers are on a ledge as he looks out a window.

“The city appears profound. You hear him shuffle papers. Flags blow and the sky is different shades of blue and gray.

“‘Somebody’s walking down the stairs. Steve is intrigued by the sound. He’s watching the skyline and listening to the shoes.

“When the person gets close Steve turns. They recognize each other. The man is an executive like Steve. He smiles, ‘It’s a beautiful view. I do this every day.’ Steve smiles as they shake hands.

“‘I hear you guys hired back some staff.’

“‘We have,’ Steve says. ‘It feels good. I hate to see people let go. I’m all for change, but people make the place. We’ve always had good people.’

“The camera stays on Steve’s face. Then you hear, ‘It looks like you’re preparing something.’

“‘I am. The staff has been working so hard, I feel I better rise to the occasion and keep up with them.’

“‘The inspirer has been inspired by those he inspires.’

“They both laugh. ‘Yeah,’ Steve says with a huge grin. ‘Thanks.’

“Then there’s the silence. Just as the man’s smile is about to end he says, ‘How’s your wife’s business?’

“‘It’s doing well. There was a rocky stage a while ago but she pulled through. She has tremendous skill.’

“‘I know. One of her former clients is a friend of mine. They regret leaving her.’

“‘You mean so-and-so?’

“‘Yes.’

“‘Part of being a professional is admitting your mistake and part of being a professional is to swallow your bruised ego if somebody let you go then wants to rehire you.’

“‘You’re right,’ the man says.

“‘Business is tough even when times are good,’ Steve says.

“‘I agree.’

“They look at their watches. Then they glance out the window. ‘Once I stood here for half an hour,’ the man says as the camera pans the skyline. ‘Then when I got to my office I shut the door and looked out for another twenty minutes.’

“‘I know what you mean,’ Steve says.

“This time we see Steve at the conclusion of a meeting with staff. He’s never been this poised.

 ’Steve great meeting.’
 ’Steve that was great.’
 ’Steve you outdid yourself.’

“After everybody has left a guy eases up to him. ‘You know Steve, during the layoff I thought about you, how much integrity you have. It’s good to be working here for you again.’

“Steve is moved. ‘Thank you Ken. Thank you very much.’

“Rap is blasting. There’s a long shot of Steve teaching his karate students. The music becomes less loud, the scene closer.

“He has a few more students and an assistant. Everyone has a rapport.

“When class is over Steve is talking with a small group of parents. Somebody asks him ‘How good can the boys become?’

“Steve says, ‘Here’s how I want you to look at it. If they stick with it they will have self-mastery. We can’t expect boys to have spiritual self-mastery, but if they stick with this it can be a spiritual experience.

“‘I’m not denying the violence. People, especially kids, need to use their bodies. Some people need to compete violently. Kids can hurt their arms if they pitch in baseball. Girls can really hurt their feet and knees if they dance ballet past high school. Skateboarders are always getting injured.

“‘Most of your kids here can become proficient if they want to. Most of them probably won’t want to. The main thing is that they learn self-discipline and develop a stronger and more co-ordinated body. Hopefully I can make them talented in karate, but it requires a lot of work.

“The scene fades. Rap plays again but it is not loud. The camera shows a long shot of Steve still talking to the parents. You get the feeling he will talk with them all night.

“Now Steve and Vicky sit in a restaurant. It’s lunch time during the week. They’re finishing. They look beautiful and they laugh. You want to take each of them home with you so you can bask in their success and confidence.

“But you can’t so the camera zooms to Vicky’s alluring face, then over to Steve, fit for his times but who knows money doesn’t make the man.

“As he laughs and turns sun comes through the window onto his face. They look to the sidewalk watching the world pass, sunlight dappling on the glass and people’s clothes.

“After young black guys shuffle by you hear Vicky’s voice. ‘I was over in such-and-such this morning. I had to go through the alley to get to my client’s office. There was graffiti all over the walls. It scared me but it was mesmerizing at the same time. I remembered what you said about creating beauty out of explosiveness.’

“The next scene shows them standing at the table ready to go. They are still loose. They peck. ‘See ya tonight.’

“It’s karate time again. Steve watches the kids compete with one another. You hear the boys and some background speech by the parents.

“His face is filled with concentration. When the camera changes he’s walking among the parents after class, smiling, telling them Johnny’s getting better and Bill has tremendous passion. The scene ends with Steve laughing after somebody makes a comment.

“Now we’re at a karate match. Steve’s competing. He doesn’t look good. It’s hard to think of him losing and looking lousy. There’s emptiness in your stomach.

“As you are sure he’s going down an Elmore James tune comes on slow and painful. Steve gathers his composure after his defeat, then moves to shake the hand of the guy who whooped him.

“The music gets louder. Steve is shown walking away, putting on his street clothes, heading to the car. It’s a beautiful day but he doesn’t see it.

“At home he sits in the living room drinking ice water. Vicky talks. ‘Sometimes you lose. You told me a professional has to know how to lose.’

“‘I know,’ he says. ‘I don’t want it to become a habit.’

“‘With your high standards it isn’t going to become a habit.’

“‘You’re right,’ Steve says. ‘It just kills me.’ He looks away.

“With the new scene Steve’s winding down his day. He looks great.

“He’s in his chair in his office as sunlight fills the room. He receives a call, gets his desk in order after he hangs up, then gathers his stuff.

“Before he goes he steps gracefully to the window gazing to the sky between buildings. The scene lasts a long time. Aaron Copland’s music begins to play.

“It’s still playing as he gets out of his car. He breathes deep. Looks around.

“Unflappable, he goes to find graffiti in the industrial and warehouse part of town. You can tell he’s jazzed.

“The camera zooms to his face – confident, successful, his eyes taking everything in. Then you see his jaw drop.

“The music stops. Steve’s stopped. The camera pans the old warehouses, a mile of them whitewashed.

“No more graffiti. No more inspiration for Steve. He looks like a ghost.

“His eyes become the focus. You see graffiti reflected in them. You hear the guy from the talk show ranting about the kids not having anything to do. You see the mean looking black boys pass the restaurant Steve and Vicky had lunch in. Then there’s a a flashback to the twisted tree the night Vicky lost her client.

“Steve’s wiping his cheeks as he looks again in disbelief. There’s immense sadness in his eyes. You hear her voice, ‘You told me a professional has to know how to lose.’

“A medium-range shot shows him taking the stairs at work as sun streams into the stairwell. He moves quick, glancing out of the window of each floor. Finally, when he’s outside the office he stops. He gazes – his back to the camera. Sun’s all over him. The camera fades. Steve gets smaller, the light in the stairwell more noticeable.

“Before the next scene comes into focus you hear women laughing. Elmore James starts to play. It’s a going-away-party for a staff member who’s moving up.

“The happy man is shown shaking hands and chatting with a small group. When they leave, Steve eases over to shake his hand. ‘You’ll do well,’ but somebody interrupts them so Steve goes to mingle, engaging and listening with his great attentiveness.

“As the party breaks up the man and Steve see each other. You can tell by his expression he really wants to say something. He heads to Steve. ‘I know we haven’t worked regularly together Steve. I want to say you have an enormous amount of class. You inspire me.’

“Now rap’s blaring at karate class. You see Steve’s face. Intensely he watches the students. As the music quiets he moves gracefully to show some of them how to defend and destroy properly. ‘Continue to practice this and nobody will be able to hit you again.’

“The boys admire him. There are a few more students. After he and the assistant have helped each of them with this move a boy asks, ‘Will I be able to beat five guys?’ Steve doesn’t laugh. ‘You will have to be very very good and in tip top condition. First learn the art and get into great shape. No matter how skilled you are, if you are not in great shape you won’t beat five guys. A lot of street fighters are very tough and they love to fight. Some of them lift weights and run all the time. Do not underestimate someone just because you become good at karate.’

“When class is over some of the parents talk with him. ‘My son is becoming very discipllined Steve. It’s tough being a kid today. They need all the help they can get. My wife and I really appreciate all you are doing.’

“Steve’s eyes sparkle. ‘You’re right. It’s always tough to be a kid. This means the world to me.’

“But that isn’t the end. A woman touches Steve on the arm. ‘This has been the best thing for my son. He finally has some direction. You do this for free. I’m very grateful.’

“‘Thank you,’ says Steve. ‘I love to help people.’

“You see him leaving the basement. When he pulls onto the street light rain falls onto his windshield. He loves it. He smiles beautifully.

“Rain’s falling a little harder on a big window. You hear footsteps. A door opens.

“Copland’s music begins to play. There’s no beat, but you feel the rhythm because of the rain.

“Steve and Vicky walk toward each other. They laugh. They peck. They hug.

“‘What a day,’ Steve laughs as he brings his head up and his eyes flash at Vicky. They embrace like they will hug a long time. The camera shifts to the window and rain.

“In the reflection they’re sitting at their table filled with confidence and power, still looking great at 9:00 pm.

“The camera moves from the window to get closer to their beauty. ‘It made me proud,’ Steve says. ‘Today three people complimented me.

“‘A staff member I don’t know very well received a promotion. We had a party for him before he left. I wished him good luck but couldn’t say anything because everybody wanted to talk with him. Then at the end of the party he comes to me, ‘You inspire me.’ I was floored. We’ve worked very little together.’

“Now there’s a close-up of Vicky. Her mouth is exquisite. You want to see it move but she doesn’t say anything. She waits.

“Steve sips ice water. Gestures with his eyes. ‘Then after class a man and then a single woman tell me how much their son benefits from karate. They really appreciated it. That’s why I started the class. The man said it’s hard to be young today. I told him I agree.’

“He pauses and looks a Vicky. ‘It’s turned out better than I hoped.’

“They look at each other for several seconds without saying anything. Then Copland’s music begins again. You watch Vicky and Steve talk without hearing what they say.

“When their voices come back Vicky beams. ‘After we renewed our contract he said – Victoria- your services have helped me make a lot of money. I’m sending each of my kids to an Ivy League school.’

“‘After he left I poured myself a glass of wine and laughed.’

“Dinner’s over. Steve’s sitting in the living room in silence looking at a black and white photograph of Half Dome with snow hanging on the wall. ‘I’m going to bed.’ It’s Vicky in an arousing bath robe. She’s barefoot and gorgeous.

“Steve turns. ‘I’ll be right in.’ You’re thinking. Yeah. Yeah. Go. Go.

“The next scene shows their dark bedroom. They’re talking but you can’t understand them. Now you see rain hammering the window.

“The camera backs off to show Steve and Vicky standing there looking out.

“‘We’re at our peak.’

“‘We’re incredibly lucky.’

“That’s it. Rap booms as rain hits harder on the window. The camera pans the city, ending on a row of rail cars glistening with graffiti lit by a dim light.”

Copyright © 2025 by David Vaszko

Wedding in the garden

They couldn’t wait to get married. To let everybody know
We’re going to marry. Under the sun’s warm glow.

The invitation had caligraphy. A drawing of a garden
Love and peace to everyone. May this never be forgotten.

Celebrate with us. Bask in our love.
Following is the reception. Under the sky above.

Enclosed was a letter Some things aren’t meant to be.
We feel sad for those not as lucky as we.

See you at the wedding. Can’t wait to give you a hug.
It seems we’ve finally learned how to love.

The day in the garden they greeted guests with a rose.
Held it to our chest. Pinned it to our clothes.

They looked at us and smiled We make such a fuss.
We’re delighted you came to wish us luck.

We love to talk. That’s why this day is outside.
After let’s chat. Lie back. Gaze at the sky.

Upon the speaking of the vows silence came to the day
Please. Receive what we say.

Widening their arms. A glow filled their face.
Come. Promise us your embrace.

Each cannot do it alone. That is why we vowed ourself.
With this committment we want to be able to ask for help.

We in turn, promise ourself to you.
When you feel you need us. Even when it’s hard to care.

Wrap your arms around each other. Say I’ll love you till we die.
If it’s not true. Say you’ll try.

Release one another, gently as you look to the sky.
How does one express what’s happening inside?

Look to each other, gently as you shift with the clouds.
Come together. Put your arms around.

Gaze back to the clouds. See how long it takes to smile.
The sky is where to look for help to keep a vow.

Stay out as long as you need. Get your second wind.
If anyone complains say you need time to love again.

Look up with us. We’re so excited to be alive.
Our hearts burst with promise, beneath the blue and cloudy sky.

Copyright © 2022 by David Vaszko

Friday, June 22

Dear Jim,

It’s gonna be hot. It was hotter last evening than at midday, so I knew today would be 100° or more.

I’m at my favorite coffee shop. I’m surprised it isn’t crowded because the weather is so nice. I’m also surprised there are so many women.

Women come with other women. I think women justify the expense of gourmet mochas and expensive pastries as the price they are willing to pay to keep up their friendships.

I justify the expense because I need to be outside to read and write, to read their newspaper, and to have somewhere to pee. But too many men are too cheap to come to a coffee shop and spend some money to enjoy their friends, or to have a classy place to sit.

I’d love to have a garden to sit in to write and read. Since I don’t, I’m thinking of renting office space – $50 a month – to go four days a month. The lighting is relaxing and some places have outdoor areas. It’s important for me to do that since I can’t sit outside for five hours anymore when it’s really hot or really cold. Besides, as I get older good office light becomes more important.

It will get me out of my rut. I will be around young business people and young dynamic people. It will broaden my scope a lot.

I’ve gotten out of my rut this week. I worked at one of our offices in a different part of town, way down in the South Area where the sky is big.

You should see the building. The north wall is three stories and all glass. There are windows everywhere and soothing electrical light. I was in my glory feeling relaxed and looking out the window all day. I might be working there a lot this Summer.

Even though I was in my glory and can’t wait to go back, it kills me to think what my life would have been like if offices felt good to be in. I’d be much less pissed off.

To get to the office I had to take lite rail. It’s only been a year or so that lite rail went that far south. When the train left what used to be the end of the line, I closed my eyes for what I thought would be a one mile trip to my stop. I wanted to relax a minute.

Well, the train kept going and going and got faster and faster. The car was rocking and the wheels screeched and squeaked. The train stopped at two stations, then I opened my eyes for the last stretch.

It was great. There is a bridge that goes up as the tracks curve over a creek. I looked out as the train went up and over to see the beautiful expanse of what remains of the wild South Area. Then the train came down and grooved straight into the last station.

On the way home I kept my eyes open the whole time. For most of the trip I was the only one in my car. I ogled at the long shadows and evening light, thinking how great it would be for a kid to grow up wandering the South Area.

I thought too, ”God I’ve got to come down here when it’s raining to watch the rain blow,” and on blustery March days when everything is lush and there is a lot of water to reflect the clouds.

It connected me to nature. I wasn’t expecting that. There’s something else I wasn’t expecting.

My friend went out of town and wanted me to go over to feed his cat for a few days. So I did.

Wow! Talk about connection. I’ve always loved his cat. She purrs a long time when I pet her. I go down her back to the end of her tail. Sometimes I start at the head and go to the end of her tail. Then she’ll turn on her back so I will pet her stomach. She gives me lots of love bites but I have to tell her to stop.

I went from seeing and fantasizing in the evening light on the train to touching and cultivating a relationship in my friends’ dark abode. I got out of two ruts. I feel lucky, but I am afraid I will not be able to stay out of them.

It’s getting hot. As I stop and look around, I see professional women on their phones and women with kids on theirs. These phones are more important to women than to men.

For men the phones are a tool to make money or a gadget to kill time with. For women the phones are a way to keep track of their kids and pester their husbands, to have more control over the family than they had when we were young.

Remember when our photographer cousin said his camera was an extension of himself? That’s what smart phones are for women. I think that women with phones are the new technology, that if you want keep up with the times you have to use a phone like a woman does.

I wonder what a wife would say if her husband said ”I’m getting rid of my phone. I don’t want to be standing in the superstore listening to you tell me what to buy for dinner.”

I wonder if any kids ditch their phone at a friend’s house while they go out to get stoned or steal. Mom would be outraged. Just like dad used to be when the kids weren’t home on time. Poor dad doesn’t have any power anymore.

I look at these moms with their baseball caps, their phones, their stressed faces. They are tough, confident, determined. And so male.

It’s no wonder there are so many lost men. Who wants to chase pussy or court when, except for the organ, you’re sleeping with a man.

That’s it for now.

Love,

Dave

Copyright © 2021 by David Vaszko

Wednesday, March 28

Dear Jim,

I’m sitting in a nice patio garden at the utmost of snobby coffee shops. The guy who took my order did not say ”Hi how are you?” or smile or make small talk. The guy who put my drink up on the counter didn’t smile. I thanked him, then he said “You’re welcome.”

But no warmth. Each guy was dressed meticulously with an expensive haircut and with tattoos. It reminded me of San Francisco’s snobbery and pretension. All show but no go.

So I’m here, protected from the cool breeze on a warm morning. I needed to do something different. I feel good. It feels good.

Last night I went to the Spanish group I only go to once in a while now. I was actually able to speak, although it was hard and I had to repeat myself sometimes. But there too. It amazes me how terrified people are of strangers and it pisses me off that someone refuses to talk with the person next to them or across from them. I didn’t have a good time.

I had a great burrito. I don’t know what was in it. It had red sauce and the perfect amount of spice for my bland taste buds. I also had a great cup of fresh squeezed orange juice. It was $5.45, but I am glad I bought it.

You should see the machine they juice the orange halves with. Vrrrrrrrrmmm! and they are done. The machine really looks classy. The travel books say that in Mexico fresh squeezed orange juice at restaurants is an inexpensive tradition.

It’s been a stressful week or ten days. I’m really getting too old to work. It drives me crazy and I’m bored to death. We are short a really good staff member and we’ve hired some new people who I like a lot.

One of the reasons I’m stressed is because I am pushing hard to speed up Spanish. It takes a lot of time and effort and is hard for me, even though I love it. But I understood almost everything people said last night.

I did not enjoy the crowd like I used to, but I told myself that I really need the group, so go like it is a business meeting and don’t worry about whether the guy next to me is an asshole.

And then there’s a book I’m reading: Domestic Tranquility: a brief against Feminism. It’s incredible. It was written in 1998 by a woman seven years younger than dad. She went to law school, became an attorney, then gave up her job to be a housewife.

She loved it. She said being a housewife was more rewarding to her and more of a contribution to society than being an attorney. She said anybody can take your place at the law firm, but nobody will or can raise your kid the way you will or can.

The main goal of feminism was to destroy patriarchy and it worked. We all know that, but she puts a different angle on it. She said that rather than fight to make motherhood more respected, the feminists encouraged married women to leave their husbands, and single women not to marry. What these women should do said the feminists, is pursue a career just like the males who oppress them so they can be aggressive just like the men who oppress them.

The author said that feminists felt that motherhood was bullshit, then tried to bring the sensitivity that housewives used to bring to their family into the male-dominated work force by pushing for things like day care at the office.

One of the things she said was that the main reason that feminism of our time got started was because men were abandoning their role as breadwinners. She talked about the beatniks, Playboy Magazine, and the hippies. She said the beatniks did not respect women. Women were just a pain in the ass and you may as well give a blow job once in a while.

To her, Playboy made men teenagers, rather than a proud bread winning husband and father. Men were told that being single is the best way for a man to live. His manhood is based on his job title and on all the expensive toys he has.

As for the hippies, she goes on, at least they didn’t acquire all the horseshit playboys do. But still, they wanted to be promiscuous and they expected women to be promiscuous. There was no expectation or desire for hippie men to be an adoring husband or dynamic father.

The book has me thinking about my sexuality and what I need or want from a woman. She said women need to demand that men adore them and are willing to support them before they sleep together. I’d love to meet a woman I adore to see if I would devote myself to her and to a happy few years together.

There’s a real short book I just read that this author quoted from – The Penitent by Isacc Bashivas Singer. He wrote it in 1983. Did you read it? It is incredible.

It’s about a Jew who had run all over Europe during World War II starving and freezing trying to avoid the Nazis. After the war he ended up in America. He had no money and didn’t know what to do. So he used the business skills he learned from his father, then became unexpectedly wealthy. He didn’t care about money.

He was a philanderer. Then after a failed affair and during his failing marriage, he decided he had to give up the adultery and inhumanity of the modern world. He longed for the purity of the Jewishness of his father and grandfather.

He took a taxi to the airport, then a plane to Tel Aviv to begin his difficult journey to become a Jew the way Jews were before they embraced the soullessness and immorality of the post war Gentile world. One day he sought a Jewish religious library to delve into his roots in order to save himself.

An old rabbi came over to him with a twinkle in his eye and love in his bearing and said, “Welcome home my son.” Isn’t that incredible! I never felt anything like that from a priest.

You know I often refer to things I’m reading or doing but never talk about them again. So I’ll mention some.

On Sunday I watched the Paul Newman movie I told you I was going to watch. It’s set in Antioch and Rome when Saint Peter was old. There is a great scene of Peter healing a girl who can’t walk. She is between her parents struggling to stand as Saint Peter exhorts her. Finally, she awkwardly walks to Peter where he hugs her to him.

What was amazing is that the guy who made the movie had the insight to think that maybe the apostles, since they weren’t Jesus, couldn’t heal as effectively as he did. And Peter, as an old man, probably couldn’t heal like he used to. So the girl didn’t just get up and walk delightfully away like the cripples who Jesus healed did.

Remember the 1300 page book about Texas I was reading and told you I would stick with like a Texan? I stopped on page 1100. I wasn’t interested in what happened after 1970. I guess now I can’t go to Texas.

Well Jim, it’s been great writing. I’m filled with passion, and you always admired me for it.

Love,

Dave

Copyright © 2021 by David Vaszko

Friday, February 23

Dear Jim,

It’s been the most exciting winter of my life. There have never been this many cold and invigorating days. Even though the wind is exhausting, I hope it lasts until April.

Yesterday during lunch I took a great walk into the wind. It was like March. All these big clouds of various shades of dark gray with a few white ones blowing along. I could have walked all day.

I’m trying to let myself get excited, be carried along and away with beautiful days, especially cold clear windy ones. Whenever I tell people I just had a great walk, they are usually amused. It’s always too cold or too windy or too hot for people to get off their ass to go outside.

Last weekend I read a graphic novel. It’s about a girl in Japan who is going to apprentice as a witch when she turns thirteen. Her mom is a witch.

On the night of her big day, all the relatives and neighbors gather outside of her house to wish her luck as she flies away on her broom with her cat, trusting in the universe that she will find a place to learn and a mentor to teach her.

They’re having a ball flying around trying to figure out the wind patterns. Suddenly a storm comes up. They get soaked.

As she is trying to figure out what to do, she spots a freight train. So she flies down to it. When she sees an open hatch on top of a rail car, she guides them in and they land in a huge pile of hay.

What luck! She takes off her wet clothes then snuggles into the hay.

I loved it. There are three more books in the series, so I’ll read one book each of the next three months. It’s nice to be excited about something.

Did you hear about the killings in Florida last week or whenever it was? I’ve tried to avoid it, but today at the coffee shop I read an article about it. I didn’t know the FBI received a tip about the murder, but failed to act on it. There was a local cop who answered the call about the killer, but did not go into the school when he got there. He stayed outside until it was over.

Everybody is saying we’ve got to ban guns, or not sell machine guns, or run more extensive background checks, or raise the age of gun purchase to twenty-one, or arm teachers so nut cases will fear to enter schools.

But these are not going to solve the problem of mentally ill men, angry frustrated men, and alienated men. We need to have forums: ”What Happened to the Confident American Male?”, ”Why Do You Feel So Small Guys?”

Of course most of the people who showed up would be women wondering what’s wrong with their husbands, sons, brothers. Men don’t know we have a confidence problem. But women do.

One thing to do is not tell boys they are potential rapists. Another thing to do is don’t call a father with no money, car, property, or job a deadbeat dad unless you are calling an unwed mother with no money, car, job, or property a selfish bitch who has abused her feminine intuition.

When I see billboards encouraging men to embrace fatherhood, I cringe. It’s like women have designed these billboards of feminine men being gentle with their kids. Just like mom.

Mothers should be the nurturers. Fathers should be the inspirers. I would love to see a billboard of a father looking sternly at his son. The billboard would say, ”I don’t give a fuck if the other boys steal. Don’t you do it. It’s not right.”

A billboard like that would not be allowed. Comedians can say it every other word. Rappers can say it in every song. Writers can title their books ____ the Boss and ____ Courtesy. But to say it in such an important situation as I just mentioned would offend the people who make family law and lead discussions about the family.

These people are less offended by a man who says fuck you to his wife or calls his son a dumb fuck because in each case the man is weak. Hearing a father judiciously and threateningly use it to his son shows a strong confident proud dad who loves his son and wants him to be good and do good.

The other night my neighbor and I went to a chain Chinese restaurant. We like it because it is close to home. We also like it because it is clean. I got sick of going to the Vietnamese place in the South Area. It was filthy. When you went to pay your bill, you saw huge streaks of black footprints coming from the kitchen.

We always receive a fortune cookie. I never eat mine. I open it, split the cookie, then give it to my friend. He reads the fortune, gives it to me, then eats the cookie.

Last time he handed it to me with a ”Take a look at this.” expression on his face. I laughed when I read it. It said Your confidence will lead you to success.

I stuck it in my pocket. When I got home I taped it to my lamp. I crack up every time I see it.

That’s it for now.

Love,

Dave

Copyright © 2021 by David Vaszko

Friday, January 19

Dear Jim,

The pope’s in Peru. I turned on Radio Católica expecting to hear the regular programs, but instead there was coverage of his trip.

Today’s event was the right-to-life march. You should have heard how loud the marchers were. It sounded like a party. The announcers said that there was a very large amount of young people.

It’s nice to hear people celebrating rather than complaining. I wish I had something to celebrate. I am glad that these young people oppose abortion. One of the reasons Europe and America have degenerated is because of all the abortions women have had and still demand.

It’s amazing that I’ve never heard any boomers say how badly we screwed up, and how badly we screwed up the country and the West because of our successful demand for cheap legal abortions.

I remember the time you told me you were sitting in the cafeteria at S. F. State. A table of women were talking about their abortions. You were shocked how nonchalantly they talked about them. You were surprised that more than one woman at the table had more than one abortion. They had no sense of guilt or shame.

It’s funny that the Progressives and people who are not Christian demand that The Church apologize for it’s sins against Jews and other groups, that the United States apologize to blacks, Indians and Mexicans, that white people apologize to Indians, Mexicans and blacks; but nobody is saying that European governments, and the American government, should apologize for passing laws that allowed so many babies to be killed, and that the citizens of Europe and the United States should apologize for all the babies they flushed down the toilet and all the hosrseshit relationships that created the abortions.

Last Monday was MLK Day. I turned on the radio twice. I listened for a half an hour each time. Each time he wasn’t the focus.

I listened because I knew I should get out of my comfort zone. I enjoyed each show. I learned a lot.

But I get tired of black people never mentioning how badly they have screwed up themselves and the country. I get tired of white Progressives who are offended when I say I think 52 years is plenty of time to get it together.

I told dad the pope was in Peru. He already knew it. I said, ”Wasn’t one of the popes in San Francisco?” He said that he was at the cathedral when the pope said Mass there.

The poor pope. I wonder how many body guards he has. What if somebody killed him?

But I want to talk more about race. The other night when I got home from work I was exhausted. I couldn’t read or study, so I turned on YouTube. I typed Sacramento, then I think I typed something else. A boring list came up. Then I saw Sacramento Rappers.

I like rap. Sacramento was, and maybe still is, a famous rap city. So I clicked it.

There were several rappers listed but I kept scrolling. I saw some descriptions of videos saying that ”This is the video of the such-and-such gang.”

I clicked one from two years ago. There were at least 50 Mexican gang guys on the stage at Southside Park. They were milling around, each guy singing the song that a professional rapper was singing for the video. I could hear the singer but not the guys on the stage standing with Aztec murals behind them.

It was incredible. They were so pissed off. So filled with hate. The camera went from one small group of guys to another, focusing on one guy as he pulled up his shirt to show his tattoos, on another guy as he made angry faces at the same time he was making gang signs with his hands and fingers, on another guy as he pulled a pistol out of his pants. Every once in a while a couple of guys were taking a swig of liquor. And they were all singing.

It’s terrifying that there are so many pissed off young men with guns. Progressives laugh when somebody like me talks about proving one’s manhood, but these pissed off young guys show that there is a need to prove one’s manhood.

The argument usually is that white people are responsible for all the brown and black gangs. If only there were not these horrible white racists making all these black and brown guys join gangs to kill each other.

I think it’s a gender issue. There is nothing for young men to do. Black and brown guys join gangs. White guys camp under the freeway.

Nobody is doing anything to get these guys working so that whatever fears they have will not take such a violent terrifying turn. It’s a woman’s world, but everybody blames the young men for being pissed off and afraid.

It’s the playoffs. Last Sunday there were two incredible games.

I think about football all the time. My hero is Merlin Olsen. He played all 15 years of his career with the Rams.

I remembered when he retired. There was an article in the LAT one Sunday about him. It said that the guys he played against said that Olsen never cheated.

Isn’t that something!

It’s a bad time to be male bro. Those gang guys hate me and I hate them, but they don’t know we’re both pieces of shit.

I hope it’s freezing in New England on Sunday.

Love,

Dave

Copyright © 2021 by David Vaszko

New Year´s Eve

Dear Jim,

I´m writing to you on the patio at Starbucks. I´m looking south into gray and white clouds of this hazy day. It feels good – cool but not cold. I have my sunglasses and sun hat on for the glare and my tear-open hand warmers in my pack if I need them.

Sis II and our Irish brother-in-law gave me two $25 gift cards to Starbucks. I did not want to carry home presents.

So here I am. On the bus ride over, the driver had Christmas music blasting form a really good stereo. It made me laugh. At first I thought it was one of the riders.

It felt good, but you would not have liked it. It was jazz played to Christmas standards. I wonder if anyone will call in to complain. She could get in trouble. It was way too loud.

I got here at 11:30. I was expecting to read a NYT or a Bee that somebody left lying around, but there were none in the discard rack and none on the ´to buy´ rack. They must have been very busy.

That´s okay. I got my news last night.

I was listening to Mexican music on YouTube, then to songs I have had on my tablet since I got it. I was too tired to read, so I listened to an interview I heard before.

It was about feminism and the sexual revolution. A conservative host was interviewing a conservative writer.

The writer was criticizing old school conservatives who think that the sexual revolution caused men to be promiscuous and caused men to be deadbeat dads. The old school conservatives say that men need to man up and to stop taking advantage of women.

The writer said that prior to the sexual revolution, companies were forced to pay men enough money to raise a family. Business did not like the idea, but there was nothing it could do.

As traditional jobs for men disappeared and women went into the labor force, business benefited from lower wages due to job competition, and the government benefited from more people paying taxes.

Men started earning less money. They did not have the money to get married. They were not taken seriously by women who wanted to marry.

The writer was trying to answer the question raised by old school conservatives, ¨What is wrong with today´s men?¨ He mentioned all the men who don´t work or who work part time. He mentioned that men are not industrious like they were in dad´s generation and his dad´s generation.

He wasn´t talking about the deadbeat dads of our generation, but about the guys five to ten years younger than I am who grew up on low wages and could not expect a job geared toward men like dad and our grandfathers could. The new economy was hurting men while women adapted well to the service and tech economy.

These guys were laughed at by women. He said a lot of women didn´t want to stoop so low as to marry a poor man, but pursued the Alpha males who did not need or want them. While the average man was getting less sex than he he was when he was a married man 50 years ago, the Alpha males, the rich guys, were getting a lot of it.

The poor unwed man did not have kids. A lot of successful women did not want kids. But at 40 things changed. If a man had become successful, he was full of confidence at 40. Men are attractive in their forties.

But a woman at 40 isn´t attractive anymore. Men their age who had a job did not want anything to do with the stuck-up cunts who shined them on when they were young.

He talked about monogamy – how monogamy is central to Western Civilization. He said monogamy provides a husband for every woman and a wife for every man. He said monogamy is dead and we need to restore it.

He didn´t just speak theoretically. He said most men should be married. I agree. It gives men something valuable to do.

It´s funny. None of the presidential candidates talked about re-establishing monogamy or paying higher wages so couples could get married in their early twenties.

It´s a beautiful day. Still cloudy. A great day for wandering around town with your future spouse – holding hands, looking to the clouds and the specks of blue between them as your dream about your kids.

Love,

Dave

Copyright © 2021 by David Vaszko