Cottonwoods in May

“What do you think pioneers thought about the cotton that Cottonwood trees release every year?” he asked.

“I think they worried about cholera and malaria so they did not think about it one way or the other,” I said. “If they had an allergy like I do, they probably weren’t as concerned about it because survival was so important. Something like an allergy was probably easy for them considering all they went through.

“After trees started being planted in the 1850s to replace all that had been cut down, we were leaving the pioneer stage. Then levees were built, the city raised and marshes drained. By 1857 we had grown astronomically. We were a real city.

“As we grew and we had more comforts, people began to complain about dripping sap and cotton puffs from Cottonwoods. The main reason they could complain was that trees they had planted to provide shade had grown quickly. The old part of town is on the flood plain. Soil then was fertile because of silt.

“I guess they didn’t want sap dripping on their buggies or cotton puffs blowing onto their porches and around their house. Now that survival was not as important, they could be picky. I guess the terms they would have used if they were alive today is that the dripping sap would cause their buggies to depreciate faster and cotton puffs blowing all over their porperty would bring its value down.

“But something I thought of now – their kids. The kids became adults in the seventies and eighties. Everyone knows the Pilgrims’ kids weren’t as tough as the Pilgrims. The same was true for the pioneers’ kids. They probably complained all the time of their allergy.

“A couple anti-cottonwood ordinances were passed: one in 1874, then one in 1896 as the city expanded.

“But you can bet there were people who didn’t care about sap on their buggy or cotton all over the place. They probably sat on the porch during May, whenever they had time, to watch the cotton puffs blow.

“They were grateful for having survived. They’d watch the puffs drift thinking of the floods, fires, malaria, cholera, violence and corruption they saw. Then they would dream about their kids, hoping the kids would do well and stay alive.

“There were probably days when a clump of tufts drifted all over them. They’d wait till it blew away from their eyes so they could watch more. They loved having it in their hair and all over their clothes. If the kids were still small or they had grandchildren, they’d invite the little ones over to play with the cotton and each other’s hair.

“Sometimes they’d get antsy and walk to the fence to lean on it, to watch all that white sailing into the blue. They’d gather up whoever was around to drive a little ways to lighten up and get giddy as they laid in the grass in its last little bit of green.”

“What about their allergies?” he asked.

“It’s a question of imagination,” I said. “I can accept the argument that there were so many Cottonwoods that new plantings were made illegal. In those days you could just walk a short way to the country or the river, depending on whether you lived on 12th or 4th Street. You could see Cottonwoods there.

“Sutter’s Fort had a lot of Cottonwoods. Imagine watching cotton puffs blow up against the walls and thinking just thirty years ago the fort was the center of activity in the wilderness. Imagine Sutter up at the Feather River in the Spring of 1850 watching cotton puffs drift, feeling an emptiness in his stomach that the charmed land he owned had blown away like a dream on a March cloud.

“What bothers me about people who say Cottonwoods bother their allergy is that they don’t look for the one or two days when the puffs don’t bother their nose, or at least not as much. On those days I wish they would shout for joy and say we are blessed to have these beautiful graceful things.

“You hear a lot about letting go. We’ve got to slow down when we have our allergies. We’ve got to let go for that month and deal with it, look to the sky and puffs and say it is worth it.

“The same with the dripping sap and eucalyptus bark and slippery pine needles and messy Autumn leaves.

“Every tree has its beauty and a lot of trees have their inconveniences.”

“What did the Indians do?” he asked.

“What did the Indians do?”

“Yes.”

“They danced a lot,” I said. “In February they had a dance for spring clover. In April they had a dance for spring flowers. In early Summer they danced for the first harvest. But as far as I know, they didn’t have a dance for Cottonwood puffs.

“A lot of people who like the cotton puffs think of the puffs as freee and symbols of freedom. So you could ask why people like the Indians who were so free didn’t celebrate their freedom with a religious dance to the cotton puffs.

“Indians took their freedom for granted. They probably didn’t know they had it till the pioneers took it away. It’s like us not appreciating our consumer stuff until we are broke or there is a power failure. You could ask why we don’t pray to blinking lights on radio or TV towers to thank them for the passion, inspiration, realization, love and resolve the great music of the world brings us.

“What was great about the Indians is they had a civilized life. They sat around a lot. They laughed. They talked. You can bet they spent a lot of time watching cotton puffs blow and loving every minute of it.

“When I watch cotton puffs I think of all the things I have never done, all the things I want to do, all my constructive passion I’m not releasing. I don’t think Indians had that problem.

“When I saw the film at the State Indian Museum, I loved listening to the women chant and seeing the panoramic views of our beautiful state. One of the things the narrator said was that the women sang these lovely songs while they were making baskets, that making baskets was a joy, not drudgery like factory work done by white people. Well, it would have been great to see cotton puffs drift along on the screen while the women sang and the Sierras were shot exquisitely.”

I stopped.

“You know the U.S. Bank building dowtown? The one next to the library?”

“Yes,” he said.

“There’s a set of murals in the lobby. They pay tribute to Sacramento based on the themes air, earth, fire and water. The one I love is air. It shows the confluence of the rivers with our skyline in the background. On the left are little boys blowing bubbles on a windy day. The trees are windswept. In the middle of the painting is a teenage girl leaning sensually with her back against a tree and her head and long hair thrown back where the trunk bends. She has her eyes closed dreaming while one of the boys is gawking at the big bubbles floating away.

“It’s a magical day, like the way I feel in May when wind blows cotton puffs.”

“There’s no cotton puffs in the painting,” he said.

“It doesn’t matter,” I said. “The painter understands Sacramento – the dreaminess and wind in April and May. Bubbles are more effective than if he used cotton puffs.

“Why did you ask me about them?”

“Because an old girl friend told me that when she was a few months pregnant she always went to the river to watch the cotton puffs.

I was afraid, she said. I’d sit with my feet in the water crying as I watched the cottony stuff drift. They scared me. They were free. I wasn’t. But they gave me hope because they were magical and beautiful.

“I didn’t know how to tell you so I mentioned the pioneers. I know you love the old days.”

“Did she love Sacramento?” I asked.

“No. She didn’t know the names of any of the trees either.”

Copyright © 2025 by David Vaszko

Friday, May 11

Dear Jim,

It’s very windy. No sitting outside today.

This weather reminds me of the Spring you were training for your bike trip to Seattle. Remember that? You’d go on long bike rides to get in shape. One Monday when you got back after a hot real windy weekend you said, ”When I got back across the Golden Gate Bridge, I knew I was ready.”

Your bike trip to Seattle and your first trip to Europe were your great adventures. Mine were living in Kansas then riding freight trains across the West. Sis II had her six month trip to Mexico and her year’s trip to Spain.

I need another adventure. Actually, I need two. They would get me out of my rut. One is to publish my writing, either by self-publishing a book or putting my work online. The other is to get great in Spanish.

Spanish is beautiful. It is sensuous. It would be great to get my mouth in shape so beautiful sounds roll off the front of my lips.

I would love to be part of something beautiful. Our times are ugly. Our nation is ugly. We have abused English and made it ugly. I want Spanish to free me, to make me laugh. And to feel proud that I have accomplished something great.

Publishing my writing would free me in a different way. I would be letting go of everything I’ve saved for twenty years trying to figure out what to do with it. I would be releasing a burden and be able to move on to who knows what in my writing and who knows what in my life, especially if I approach publishing in as businesslike a way as is possible for someone who hates money and commerce.

If I become as good in Spanish as Sis II, and make money from it, or if I make a lot of money from my writing, I would be free socially. I would strut. Be gregarious. I would no longer be one of the countless defeated American men. It’s scary how many of us there are.

The other night a female campaign worker for the woman who is running for city council called me. I told her I wasn’t voting for the incumbent. I said it would be nice if she knocked on my door like the incumbent did. Then I asked – what does the candidate think about rent control? The caller didn’t know.

I said that there are a lot of apartments on my street. She could get the vote of all these renters if she came by and said she was for rent control. The caller said that the candidate is running out of her home and has no paid staff. So she won’t be stopping by.

Today in the mail I received her glossy 8 x 11 inch flyer on thick paper. What a disappointment. She’s got the money for fancy campaign stuff, but she doesn’t have the time to knock on people’s doors.

I don’t think she realizes how badly a lot of people want to get rid of the incumbent. She could make the race exciting if she knocked on people’s doors. I might even campaign for her.

God I would laugh if she won. I would feel the victory is mine because I hate the incumbent so much.

I think the reason I just told you about my goals and how they would free me is because I’ve been reading about my personal problems. On Monday I stopped by the new thrift store where the old co-op was. I wanted to get shirts. So I bought two nice ones for $11.00.

After I tried them on I went to the very orderly book section. I wanted to browse the self-help section because there was something stirring inside.

I took five books off the shelf. The two I kept were a book on insomnia from I think the seventies. It really stank. And a book from 1998 about recovering from grief by completing the grieving process rather than trying to get over your grief or trying to put closure on the death or loss.

There were only 30 pages of the insomnia book that I wanted to read. When I was at the cashier I said to the woman about 50 that ”I love to be in this store. It makes me feel good.” She smiled and said ”That’s nice.” I think I amused her, especially wearing my Jungle Jim hat. Then I asked, ”Is there a garbage can outside?” She said yes.

So I went outside. Put my crap down. Took out the stinky old book. Tore out the 30 pages I wanted, then dropped the book in the can.

For two days I read as much of the books as I could. It was scary. The insomnia book told me I’m not sleeping well because I ‘m not living the life I want to live. I am not in control of my life. That is true.

I haven’t felt in control of my life for almost thirty years. That’s a long time to not sleep well. It was good for me to think about what went wrong and why I have not been able to correct it.

The grief book said that one doesn’t only grieve over a death or a divorce. One can grieve for anything – a loss of a job, a loss of health, a loss of happiness.

I had not been thinking in terms of grief, but I have been grieving a lot about you, how the family isn’t close, how much I hate my job and don’t know what to do, how much I hate the times we live in because everybody is afraid. I am so pissed off because I do not know what to do to resolve my pain, my grief.

I think everybody’s life is about grief. You and I have had a lot. Mine is mainly from not fitting in and not having a place in the world.

You’ve had more events that brought you grief: leaving the seminary because you felt you were not cut out to be a priest; attending a high school you hated because of its’ focus on sports and drinking, and because the literature you read there was not as challenging or inspiring as what you read at the seminary; succeeding academically at college but hating the drugs and the hippies; leaving Seattle because of strife at work; working at a well-paid soul killing career in San Francisco; never getting over the woman in your building who broke your heart; aching because there was no mystical Church to return to; buying the house in that shitty neighborhood when you could have bought a house in Mill Valley in the seventies.

You had a more difficult life than I have. You should have told people to fuck off more.

Remember the time we were sitting near the Rhododendron Dell? We were whining. You more than I. You said, ”You’ve handled your hard times socially better than I have. You’ve gotten involved in things.”

That was true, but I think my profanity helps me be less unhappy than you. There’s something gratifying about saying ”They’re a dumb bunch of bastards,” or ”Go fuck yourself asshole. I’ll kick your ass.”

Except for my profanity, I’m not a man of the times. I was saying fuck in every sentence before the rappers said it, the college girls said it, and the shock jocks said it.

I was a pioneer. But like a true pioneer, the people after me made all the money. I wonder if mom and dad would have been proud of me if I had made money from my foul mouth?

It’s good to face my problems. My biggest regret is having broke mom’s and dad’s heart. That means more to me than the times I’ve been fucked.

Love,

Dave

Copyright © 2021 by David Vaszko